To Be... Or Not To Be...

In my more recent posts, I talk about how I've had this "ah ha" moment, that I haven't been putting enough in to the universe. This, of course, stems from the fact that the universe has been handing me some no-so-favourable situations over the last couple years. Thus, my attempt to carry a more positive attitude with me in life and giving more than I get seemed to be the reasonable answer to finding balance in my life.

However, all this got turned upside down today when I began reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" I'm only about 1/3 into the book, already love it and am now thinking that I need to revert back to my "selfish" ways and put my focus back on me. Make time for myself, do things with for the sole benefit of myself...

In other words, I am still seeking balance - here specifically, I am looking for a balance between give and take in life. Will I ever find it? Perhaps I am looking in all the wrong places?

If only finding balance in life could be like finding balance in a yoga class - you only need it for 5 short breaths then you move on to another crazy pose. But in life, you have to hold that balance, for... ever. I'm still looking to find mine.

Perhaps I should explain in more detail why it is that I have such an issue with balance? Well, to make a long story short, I would consider myself both an over-eater and a work-aholic. I have a tendency to punish myself through these two means (that being food and work) and have done this for as long as I can remember (in fact when I was 15 I worked in a italian restaurant - where I not only over-worked myself until my feet bleed (literally) but would also go home at the end of the night with a 5 lb container of lasagna - no doubt I gained 45 lbs that year).

My theory is that I over-indulge in these two vital components of life because I have some type of guilt that prevents me from living life in balance or in harmony with these two components. Why I feel guilty? I have no idea. But I do know that I need to be able to feel worthy of leading a healthy life - both in terms of food and nutrition and in terms of work (my work-aholic problems are way beyond the scope of this post - or even this blog for that matter).

I can just picture yoda telling me that when I reconcile this worthiness and balance in my life - only then will my weight issues disappear and I will find true happiness. Oh yoda.... you are so right! But here's the thing (and I've mentioned this before). I like myself - a lot. I like my personality and I think I have a great strong character. I feel like so much of my character rotates around my over-eating and work-aholic qualities.... so the challenge here to to keep true to the part of myself that I love so much, while losing these "toxic qualities" and replacing them with healthier ones. After all, I will still be ME when I'm no longer a over-eater and work-aholic - right? I'll still be Lisa when i'm running a marathon and have a healthy work-life balance? Right?

So this, my fellow bloggies, is my current focus - what is a healthy balance (for me) between the give and the take in my life - and how do allow myself to feel worthy of that balance while not losing my sense of self and character?

More to come as I work through this unanswerable focus!