April 2013 Recap

Since I re-committed 1/3 of the way through April, I'll be the first to admit that I:

1.) Didn't set very realistic monthly goals for myself,

2.) Didn't take my goals very seriously because I didn't set realistic goals.

... I can confirm that the May goals I'm working on right now are 1000X more appropriate.

Here's what I set out to accomplish in the month of April:

1.) Get under 190 lbs: Currently at 192 lbs
2.) Log 30 hours of activity: 17/30
3.) Log 15 hours of Cardio: 17/15

Reward for completing all tasks: Much Needed Haircut!

So, as you can see, while, I was 2 lbs away from meeting my weight goal (the most important goal of all), I still did manage to lose 9 lbs this month, which ain't anything to complain about.

I also managed to squeeze in 17 hours of cardio activity. Unfortunately, most of those hours were walks, but I'm not going to complain about that - activity is activity.

So that's it! April is over (thank God) - and I'm excited to put April in the past and move onto May.

I'm calling May, "Positive May" - I'm going to be positive!

CHEATER!

Wow, Sunday was horrific!

After using all my daily and weekly points on Saturday night (ahem, and after the cheesie situation), I went nuts on Sunday. I even ended the day with an order from the indian restaurant down the street that included butter chicken.

Sigh.

But don't worry - I paid for it. I woke up on Monday morning with stomach pains of death and had to leave work at about 2pm because I was in so much pain.

What's worse is that Monday is my weigh in day. I couldn't weigh in - I was so bloated and felt so disgusting - I knew from the moment I woke up that yesterday was going to be a write off... and it was.

So I didn't weigh in yesterday - and instead, I vowed to weigh-in today. And, surprisingly, i'm down one pound (even after the terrible weekend I had).

I have to admit, I feel like a cheater, weighing in the day AFTER my weigh in day. But, I'm reminding myself that I am human, I make mistakes and this is just me reacting to them. Hey, at least I'm down and not up right?

Facking Cheesies!

This weekend was off to a really great start! I was on track all week, I fought through all my urges and was ready to have a nice, relaxing weekend. 

Yesterday, I went down to the States to pick up some healthy foods (namely yogurt) and fought all my urges to buy crap, despite how cheap everything is. 

The only thing that I could not resist buying for myself was a bag of "healthy" cheesies. I thought that I would be able to control myself and only have 33 cheesies at a time (a "portion"). But guess what - that's a lie. 

So last night, After two glasses of wine, I was feeling pretty good and decided to go off plan for the rest of the weekend. 

And so, you know what I did? I ate the whole bag of cheesies. 

This morning, with a clearer head, I woke up super disappointed with myself. I just want to throw my hands in the air and say, "fack it."

Sigh. 

I keep reminding myself that tomorrow is the start of a new week and am praying that despite my crappy night last night I still end up losing on the scale tomorrow morning. It's so hard to keep the end goal in sight when you've got a bag of cheesies calling your name from the pantry. 

I guess the lesson here is that I can't even have cheesies in the cupboard. 

Do you Ever inspire Yourself?

I finally had the opportunity to re-read some stuff from the olden' days on my blog, and holy cow am I ever inspired! That's the great thing about keeping a blog about your weightloss - if you keep pictures, you can actually see the difference in your body and holy cow is that ever inspiring. 

After looking at this post in particular - i've never been so motivated to get "back to where I was." 

Get ready weekend, i'm comin' for ya!

The Urge to Binge!

For some reason, this week has been a real tough one for me.

It seems as though all I want to do is purge. *Don't worry - I don't though. 

Every time something stressful happens, or I get home from a a long day at work, or I settle in for the night to watch some TV or read a book, I have this uncontrollable urge to eat my face off. I'm not even joking: the thoughts that go through my head are the following:

"Maybe I should order a large pizza"

"I could go to the grocery store and buy a super-size bag of cheesies"

"I could get a brie wheel and a box of crackers and just go to town"

These ideas pop into my head and I have to tell myself, "Go ahead, do it, and by the end of this year you'll be back up to 233 pounds" and then I sit and sulk because I cannot binge myself into a food coma.

Why the hell do I think like this? Why is my first instinct always, "a gross amount of food will make me feel better"

I am slowly re-training my brain and reminding myself that food will not make me feel better, and in fact, it will make everything worse!

This week, in particular has been a rough one. But I am happy to report that I'm sticking to it, and not falling victim to the urge to binge!

Exciting Math!

Yesterday, I did some math. I wanted to estimate, if I were to stay on the path that i'm on - when could I theoretically reach my goal weight and short-term-wise when would I be able to bust back into the 160's?

So, I did some subtracting alongside my calendar:

And if I play my cards right, follow the plan and exercise as much as I can - I can be into the 160 lbs by July!

BY JULY!

This made me super excited! What's more, if I stick to the plan, I can reach my goal weight by Christmas! I have NEVER weighted less than 150 lbs in my adult life, so this would really be the ultimate gift I could give myself. 

Math has never made me this excited before! I love it!

When All Else is Uncertain...

When my dad got sick last summer - I learned that he is not invincible. Oddly enough, I learned that he internalizes his stress and that takes a toll on your body.

I am, almost exactly a replica of my dad - except, I am female.

On Sunday night, I could hardly sleep, my brain was running on overdrive: thinking about the chaos that's going on at work, the Master's degree i'm about to start in September and life in general: where I am and where I wanted to be by the time I was 28, which I now am. I'm watching friends get married, have and raise children, buy houses... and i'm not doing any of that, mostly because I don't know if I want those things.

While I do have high expectations for myself, I feel like I am almost at a mid-life crisis... what should be my focus in life? I don't know. What do I want out of my life? I don't know. This feeling of unknowing is really annoying me and, for the first time in my life, I feel quite lost. This is a huge source of stress for me at the moment.

What I do know, is that losing weight and gaining health can do nothing but good for me. Last time I lost a lot of weight in 2010, I really found myself and that put all sorts of great things into motion for me. While I know that losing weight won't yield greatness in life - that is ultimately up to me, I don't think this path I'm on can do much harm.

So, while being early in the game, I'm putting trust in the fact that only good can come of all this: tracking my food, getting as much exercise in as possible... it will all amount to something in the end...